While assisting various graduating PhD students (lucky for some) with their resumes, I ran across the sublime urban legend that is Hugh Graham's "College Essay". I'm now inspired for future job applications! Here is a taster of the first paragraph:
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.